MTV's Remote Control - Pilot!

[jmdarrall]

(Let's dance)

ME: Number one: BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
(BONG! [64])
ME: James?
JAMES: THE U.S.A.
ME: Right! (James: 145)

ME: Number two: ALEX TREBEK
(BONG! [90])
ME: James?
JAMES: CANADA
ME: Right again. (James: 155)

ME: Number three: PAMELA ANDERSON
(BONG! [38])
ME: James again.
JAMES: CANADA
ME: Right again! (James: 165)

ME: Number four: NICOLE KIDMAN
(BONG! [94])
ME: Sheldon?
SHELDON: SOMEWHERE ELSE?
ME: Incorrect! THE U.S.A. - she's from Honolulu. (Sheldon: 110)

ME: Number five: PIERCE BROSNAN
(BONG! [85])
ME: James?
JAMES: SOMEWHERE ELSE
ME: Yes, Ireland. (James: 175)

ME: Number six: KATHY IRELAND
(BONG! [36])
ME: James!
JAMES: THE U.S.A.
ME: Got it! (James: 185)

ME: Number seven: VICTORIA PRINCIPAL
(BONG! [3])
ME: Sheldon?
SHELDON: SOMEWHERE ELSE?
ME: Yes, she was born in Japan. (Sheldon: 120)

ME: Number eight: KATHIE LEE GIFFORD
(BONG! [78])
ME: James?
JAMES: SOMEWHERE ELSE
ME: Yes, sir. She's from Paris, France. (James: 195)

ME: Number nine: ALAN THICKE
(BONG! [30])
ME: James, yet again!
JAMES: CANADA
ME: Got it again! (James: 205)

ME: Number ten: ROBIN THICKE
(BONG! [13])
ME: Sheldon?
SHELDON: THE U.S.A.
ME: Correct! (Sheldon: 130)

ME: Number eleven: AMY ADAMS
(BONG! [19])
ME: Sheldon again?
SHELDON: SOMEWHERE ELSE??
ME: Good! She's from Italy. (Sheldon: 140)

ME: Number twelve: MEL GIBSON
(BONG! [12])
ME: To Sheldon!
SHELDON: THE U.S.A.
ME: Good for you! He was born in New York State. (Sheldon: 150)

("Double Dare" rapid-fire dings. Theme plays as Steve plays along.)

ME: And time is up! The final score is Sheldon with 150, and James with 205! Nicely played, gentlemen! Sheldon, my friend, you came on strong at the end, but the Wheel only fits one person, and today, it ain't you. See you later!

(Sheldon sets down his buzzer, and his seat flips up and backward, into the wall, like a Murphy bed...yep, he's in the ol' "Flipper Chair." I am now sitting on James's armrest.)

ME: James, great game! So far, you have proven to be a master of pop culture trivia, but the Wheel of Jeopardy awaits you. Here are some more of the prizes that you could win...

[jmdarrall]

COLIN: The Sony Handycam digital camcorder features a 2.7-inch flip-out LCD screen that swivels out 270 degrees and displays all the action in 720x480 video resolution. You can record video clips and capture still shots, then store them all in its 80-gig internal hard drive. Also features SteadyShot image stabilization and a 1/8-inch image sensor to ensure the clearest possible video.

KARI: From Gibson U.S.A., the SGJ Electric Guitar is the perfect way to start your road to rock-and-roll godhood! Built in a radical retro style with solid mahogany body, maple neck, rosewood fingerboard, and vintage-styled tuners to produce a rich sound. Comes with gig bag, truss-rod wrench, and access to Gibson's famous 24/7/365 Customer Service.

COLIN: From HP, the Envy 15.6-inch touch-screen laptop features 6 gigs of memory, a 1 terabyte hard drive, 1366x768 HD resolution, and an AMD FX-8800P Processor for aggressive and power-smart performance. Perfect for gaming, modeling, and video editing. Built-in dual speakers, AC adapter, 3-cell lithium ion battery, and one year of Titanium Internet Security are included.

KARI: Look cool while staying warm in your own leather jacket! From Wilsons Leather, you may choose any stylish leather jacket for yourself, or treat the lady of your life to the finest in leather accessories. It's up to you, because we're providing you with a $1,000 gift certificate valid at any of the over 100 Wilsons Leather stores in the U.S., or online at wilsonsleather.com.

(Shot of me and James walking up to the Wheel of Jeopardy)

KARI: How will James do at the Wheel? Find out...

KARI AND COLIN: WHEN "REMOTE CONTROL" CONTINUES!

[jmdarrall]

(Ending of theme plays. James is seen lying down face-up on the Wheel of Jeopardy, which is a circular platform painted in 10 yellow and green wedges with a red gym mat arrow, on which James is lying with his head at the pointer. James and I are both wearing wireless earpieces with microphones, and a Go-Pro mounted in a central arch over James' body is pointed at his face, recording the action.)

ME: We're back! Welcome to the Wheel of Jeopardy! James, you've made it this far and proven yourself worthy of a ride on this contraption, which is the product of Colin's impishly evil mind. You'll notice that there are 10 monitors surrounding the Wheel. In a moment, we'll start spinning you right-round like a record, baby. I'll ask 10 questions, and every time you give a right answer, the corresponding screen will read WIN! A wrong answer will make it read LOSE. Each correct answer will also score you a prize. The first eight right answers will earn you one of the prizes you've heard about previously. Give me nine right answers, and we'll send you somewhere nice. Colin...

ME AND THE AUDIENCE: Where on Earth is he going?!



COLIN: He could be off to Jamaica! Southwest Airlines Vacations will fly you and a guest from New York - LaGuardia to Montego Bay, Jamaica, where you'll spend 6 nights in an Ocean View King Room at the Hyatt Zilara Rose Hall! At this all-inclusive, adults-only resort, you'll enjoy fine food and drink, daytime and nighttime activities, relaxation on the white sand beaches, and watersports on the crystal blue sea. We're also including travel insurance, ground transportation, and $500 spending cash for a prize worth over $5,100!

(Audience ooohs and ahhhs)

ME: Yes, that is a fine prize, indeed. However, we won't stop there. You see, if you go ten-for-ten, or your head just so happens to be pointing to a WIN! screen when we stop this puppy, you'll be riding out of here on this!



KARI: A new motorcycle! The 2016 Kawasaki Ninja combines the performance of the legendary racing bike with modern practicality. It features a powerful 649cc parallel-twin engine with Digital Fuel Injection, double-pipe perimeter frame, wide handlebars and footpegs for comfortable seating, and ABS braking to make it the perfect ride for everyday commutes or a day at the track. Ride with the choice of A.M.A. champions: the Kawasaki Ninja! It's a Grand Prize worth $7,600!

(Audience applauds to show approval)

ME: Uh-huh! We want to see you win that, James. During the last break, we asked you to choose one of three subjects: TV, MOVIES, or MUSIC. Which did you choose?

JAMES: I chose MUSIC.

ME: OK, great! Kari, please hand me the MUSIC envelope. (She does so)

KARI: Here you are. (Seductively as she brushes her hand on James' cheek) Good luck, James...

(Audience howls and hoots)

ME: Settle down, you animals! James, I hope you're not going to be distracted on this. Here's the category for the final round. (I open the envelope) It's FILL IN THE NUMBER. Many bands have numbers in their names. I'll provide a band name with a blank. Fill in that blank with a number. For example, if I said "Matchbox _____," you would say "TWENTY." Couple of last-minute rules: I must accept your first answer, I can only take EXACT answers, and you only get one attempt per question.

ME: Before we begin, James, I am legally obligated to ask: Do you have any questions before we begin?

[Deleted]

No I don't let's roll! *winks at Kari*

[jmdarrall]

ME: "Let's spin" would be more precise. I'll step out of the way (I take my place at a small stanchion with a lever)...when I throw this switch, the Wheel will start spinning. I will ask the first question when you make one full rotation. Ready?

JAMES: I'm ready!

ME: Let's go! (I pull the lever...James begins spinning...one full rotation is made)

ME: First question...

_____ Direction

[Deleted]

One!

[jmdarrall]

ME: Correct.

(Screen 1 says WIN!)

ME: Second question...

_____ Degrees

[Deleted]

98!

[jmdarrall]

ME: Correct.

(Screen 2 says WIN!)

ME: Third question...

The Dave Clark _____

[Deleted]

Five

[jmdarrall]

ME: Correct.

(Screen 3 says WIN!)

ME: Fourth question...

_____ Seconds to Mars

[Deleted]

30

[jmdarrall]

ME: Correct again.

(Screen 4 says WIN!)

ME: Fifth question...

_____ Maniacs

[Deleted]

10,000!

[jmdarrall]

ME: Good for five.

(Screen 5 says WIN!)

ME: Sixth question...

_____ Pilots

[Deleted]

21?

[jmdarrall]

ME: That's right.

(Screen 6 says WIN!)

ME: Seventh question...

Fun Boy _____

[Deleted]

Three?

[jmdarrall]

ME (Surprised): Right!

(Audience applauds as Screen 7 reads WIN!)

ME: Eighth question...

_____ Non Blondes

[Deleted]

Four!

[jmdarrall]

ME: Correct!

(More applause as Screen 8 says WIN!)

ME: Ninth question...

S Club _____

[Deleted]

7!

[jmdarrall]

ME: Correct! One more!

(Audience cheers as Screen 9 reads WIN!)

ME: Last question...

Finger _____

[Deleted]

Eleven?

[jmdarrall]

ME: You got 'em all!

(Applause as car alarm sound plays. Steve plays a longer fanfare as confetti falls on James.)

GRAND PRIZE WINNER!

ME: Hang on! We're not done yet, sir! You see, you're still spinning.  We've got to stop you.  During the last break, you wrote down a number 1-10 on this card. Which number did you write?

JAMES: Four!

ME: OK, so you're gonna shout "Stop The Wheel!" (and give me a letter A-J, including), then I'll pull the lever again. If your head is pointing to number 4, we'll add $5,000 cash to all your prizes! If it doesn't, you still get all the loot. So, whenever you're ready, James, say it!

[Deleted]

Stop the Wheel! G!

[jmdarrall]

(I pull the lever, with my back turned to the Wheel. I turn around as the Wheel slows down...)














(Stop on....)











[WIN!]
[WIN!]
[WIN!]
[WIN!]
[WIN!]
[WIN!]
[WIN!]
[WIN!]
[WIN!] <---
[WIN!]

ME: Stopped on Screen #9.  (Audience awwwws). Hey, you've got nothing to complain about!  You won the whole kit-and-caboodle!  Here's Colin to tell you all about it!

(As Colin describes James' prizes, I turn the Wheel so James is close to the starting position.  He sits up as Kari pounces beside him on the Wheel)

COLIN: He got it all!  The watch, the scooter, the iPod, the car stereo, the camcorder, the electric guitar, the laptop, the Wilsons Leather gift certificate, the trip to Montego Bay, and the motorcycle!  It's a grand prize package worth...

$16,615!

[jmdarrall]

ME: James, got anything to say, my friend? You cleaned us out!

[Deleted]

*takes Kari's hand* Awww Kari! I wish I could take you with me to Jamaica!

[jmdarrall]

KARI: I wish I could too, James!

ME: Easy, you two, easy! In any event, we're glad you had fun with us today and we crowned a big winner. We'll see you next time on "Remote Control"!

(Theme plays as Colin joins us at the Wheel. In some pre-recorded promos....)

ME: All contestants wear and keep a pair of Reebok sneakers, the ultimate in high-performance athletic shoes. The official footwear and athletic apparel company of the NHL and the UFC! Reebok.

COLIN: Non-winning contestants also receive a pair of stylish Ray-Ban sunglasses, a cool custom fleece pullover with the Remote Control logo on the front, and a copy of "Total Television," the premier television reference book.

KARI: All contestants stay at the Hilton Garden Inn in Midtown Manhattan, located near Broadway and Times Square.

(Back to the live action. Steve is doing some freestyling on his guitar as Kari, Colin, James, and I all chat over the closing credits.)

(As the credits end, the camera moves slowly toward the screen. The theme fades and this image appears...)



COLIN (calmly): This series is lovingly dedicated to the memory of Ken Ober: the ORIGINAL quizmaster of 72 Woopingkoff Lane. A great host and an even greater friend who helped create a lot of great memories for everyone who knew him and everyone who watched him. Listen up, pal. Rest in peace up there. Your show is in great hands. And even if it's not, and we crash and burn, don't worry. We've got great insurance, all paid up and...

KARI, STEVE, AND ME (annoyed): COLIN!

COLIN: Only joking. Rest in peace, my friend. We'll see you again soon.