$ALE OF THE CENTURY [NBC/USA]: Episode 48

[palmer7]

Ian Sherman has $1,390 in prizes. Who would like to challenge him? 

[Deleted]

Reporting for duty.

[redrangerdude]

I'll play

[Deleted]

I'll join in!

[palmer7]

All right, sircatchphrase and redrangerdude (Lenny). I think I have your information, but would you please PM it to me again just to be sure? Name, occupation, and hometown.

[Deleted]

Done. Should be in your Inbox, Palmer.

[palmer7]

OK then. Let's go.

---

---

[Pre-recorded statement]


Greg: Hello, I'm Greg Palmer. What you're about to see is not a rebroadcast of last night's episode of $ale of the Century. It's a brand-new episode. And new episodes will be seen on this network during the Olympics.



[for Youtube only]

While I have your attention, I'd like to speak about the "mother ship". NBC's monopoly of Olympic coverage has given them the idea that they can stick to old narratives. NBC continues to value American success stories over almost anything else, to the degree that not a second of the men’s gymnastics team finals aired in primetime, since we didn’t medal. Frequently, the only non-Americans we see compete in events like gymnastics are those who have direct bearing on NBC’s US-centric narrative. Yes, we as a country should be proud and willing to cheer on our athletes. In 2012, when gymnast Jordyn Wieber narrowly missed qualifying for the all-around finals and the gold medal was eventually awarded to one of her teammates, Gabby Douglas — the first black woman to win the all-around gold — NBC didn’t pivot. You see, they had produced package after package of Wieber footage. NBC’s greatest sin has long been that it programs the Olympics not as a sporting event or even a news event but as a soft-focus entertainment event. Much like Good Morning America before 1997. Yes, the human interest elements of the Olympics — which allow athletes from otherwise obscure disciplines to enjoy a moment in the sun — have always been an important part of their appeal. But with every broadcast, NBC seems to act as if those human interest elements are the only part of the games’ appeal. It’s gotten to the point where the only events the network manages to show uninterrupted are races that can be neatly sandwiched between commercials.


Oh, and don't get me started on Matt Lauer and Hota Kotb. They're (censured) idiots! The opening ceremony was treated like an episode of Dateline. Without Stone Phillips! Here they were, cracking juvenile jokes about how Djibouti kinda sounds like "yer booty". Ay yi yi! Oy gevalt! It was after midnight when the Parade of Nations finally ended. Yes, there I was at about midnight, dancing like a fool to samba music in my living room.


If NBC must broadcast the Olympics, then let it be done better. Please broadcast these games the way they were meant to be seen.


[back to broadcast]


Thank you.

---

(drumroll)
(shot of Ian)


Burton Richardson: (VO) So far, Ian Sherman has won prizes totaling..... $1,390!



[OPENING THEME]





Tonight, one of our contestants could win a musical starship, a trip to Disney World, or a mountain estate in North Carolina!


And continue a journey towards a fortune in cash and prizes including this pair of Corvettes......

  


And hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash!




In total, over $1,000,000 on.........





(echo)






And now, here's the star of our show, GREG PALMER!



(wild cheers and applause as the doors open and I run to my lectern)


Greg: Thank you, Burton. Thank you, everyone, and welcome to $ale of the Century. We've got an audience here tonight! In fact, you'd think they'd seen this show before! (audience chuckles) And some of them probably have. Oh, look who we have here. The Bridge Bimbos of Santa Ana. Their name, not mine. Hellllllo, there. (pause) Doing great, thank you. Yourself? (pause) Fine. Fine. Anyway, we've got a champion here who was behind all episode. He got control of the Fame Game board all three times, but got two prizes and the $10 Money Card. In the Speed Round, he smoked the competition, winning by a very close margin. He only has $1,390 in prizes to his credit, but he hopes to change that tonight. Ian Sherman, everyone!


(audience cheers)


Hiya, Ian. What's new?

[Deleted]

Well, Greg, it's a pleasure to be back. Things have been relatively quiet around my neighborhood. But I sure as shootin' hope a little more winning tonight will make some noise!

[palmer7]

Me too, me too. Did you bring anyone with you from home?

[Deleted]

Yep, I brought a few of my friends from my high school class at Columbus Alternative. Go Pegasus Class of 2010!

[palmer7]

(the Columbia Alternative congregation cheers)



The Ian Sherman fan club. Very well. All right, let's get things underway. As you know, we were trying to have an all-American week. Stacey's taking the week off, so in her place today is Sarah Natochenny!


(Sarah walks out to cheers and applause)





Sarah: Hi, Greg.


Greg: Well, hello, Sarah. Now, I understand you flew all the way from New York City just to be here tonight.


Sarah: I sure did. I've been managing my YouTube channel, editing TV shows, and then there's my usual day job.


Greg: And what's that?


Sarah: (in Ash Ketchum's voice) Competing in the Kalos League!



(the blown away audience cheers)


Greg: Nooooo. You mean?


Sarah: (still in Ash's voice) Didn't expect me to look this good, huh?


Greg: She's the voice of Ash Ketchum! (Sarah clears her throat, then takes a large drink from a bottle of water)


Sarah: Sorry about that.


Greg: No problem. So, I know that Ash is supposed to be entering the Kalos League pretty soon. Does he beat Alain?


Sarah: Sorry, I signed a non-disclosure.


Greg: Darn it. Well, why don't you introduce the contestants?


(as Sarah introduces the two contestants, models of opposite gender bring them in and seat them)


Sarah: I'd be happy to. First, he's a high school junior from Washington, D.C. Please welcome Lenny Jackson. And he's an unemployed person visiting us from Wales. Here's Sam Ryan. (audience cheers)


Greg: All right. First off, let's welcome Sam. Hiya, Sam. You're from Wales, and you're unemployed. Much like a lot of America. How are you keeping yourself busy?

[Deleted]

Greg, I'm a very much of a game show board game or video game player, but I perfer something like ATMOSFEAR or NIGHTMARE in your country if you know what I mean?

[palmer7]

Oh yeah, one of my friends is into that. You like those VHS games, huh? All right.


Sarah: Video games, huh? Are you into Pokemon Go?

[Deleted]

Nope, but I say it's mad...people go to unexpected places where you don't want them to go, and by the way, I might do an gameshow based on NIGHTMARE too.

[palmer7]

Sarah: (in Ash's voice) Eh, whatever. (audience chuckles)


Greg: That's OK, Sam, I don't play it either. I'm more of a Digimon person myself, although I did come back when they introduced Mega Evolution.


Sarah: Thank you.


Greg: She really gets into her role, doesn't she? Good having you here, Sam. Good luck to you. Lenny, hello. Welcome. Please tell us more about yourself, like do you play Pokemon Go?

[redrangerdude]

Sometimes I play it. But everytime I go out, a bunch of people are playing it. (BTW, you made a mistake on my bio. I am a High School Junior.)

[palmer7]

[Corrected.]

Sarah: I know, right? What team are you on?

[redrangerdude]

I'm not picking a team yet.

[palmer7]

Sarah: In that case, you gotta pick Team Mystic. That's the one I'm on. Same with the entire cast and crew of the show.


Greg: Hold on, what about Ikue Ōtani?


Sarah: What about her?


Greg: What team is she on?


Sarah: I.... don't know. Uh..... $20 to start.


Greg: Good luck, Lenny. Good luck everyone.


(the board initializes)



Sam: $20
Lenny: $20
Ian: $20



Sarah: (in Ash's voice) Good luck, guys. Bye!

(Sarah waves and quickly exits)


Greg: First time we've caught her speechless all episode. OK, everybody's got $20. This is Hump Day, and speaking of humping..... we'll have Doug and Leslie later on YouTube to tell us about their date. But first, these questions.



1. What is the most common ending for a city, town, village or hamlet in England?
2. Whose girlfriends are named Callie Shaw and Iola Morton?
3. What musical instrument appears on the Guinness beer label?
4. During what century was the Mexican War fought?
5. Between John Wayne and James Stewart, which actor's character was truly The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance?


(buzzcodes and answers, please)

[palmer7]

1. What is the most common ending for a city, town, village or hamlet in England?
(buzzcode: 71)
*Lenny buzzes in (68)*
Lenny?
Lenny: ster
(wrong)
Oh no. -ton. You lose $5 for that. Sorry.


Sam: $20
Lenny: $15
Ian: $20


2. Whose girlfriends are named Callie Shaw and Iola Morton?
(buzzcode: 12)
*Ian buzzes in (13)*
Ian?
Ian: the Hardy Boys
That's right. (someone in the audience shouts something) No, you're thinking of Iola Boylen. She was on Mama's Family. $5 for you, Ian.
(ding)


Sam: $20
Lenny: $15
Ian: $25


3. What musical instrument appears on the Guinness beer label?
(buzzcode: 86)
*Lenny buzzes in (82)*
Lenny?
Lenny: harp
So you can play a song to pay for your Uber ride. You're right.
(ding)


Sam: $20
Lenny: $20
Ian: $25



4. During what century was the Mexican War fought?
(buzzcode: 13)
*Ian buzzes in (49)*
Ian?
Ian: 19th Century
You're right.
(ding)



Sam: $20
Lenny: $20
Ian: $30


5. Between John Wayne and James Stewart, which actor's character was truly The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance?
(buzzcode: 49)
*Ian buzzes in (71)*
Ian?
Ian: James Stewart
(wrong)
(in a John Wayne impression) That's where you're wrong, pilgrim. Jimmy Stewart may have fired a shot, but John Wayne actually killed 'im, and ol' Jimmy got the credit.



Sam: $20
Lenny: $20
Ian: $25



[INSTANT BARGAIN]


Now, it's time to rustle up an Instant Bargain, and Ian, you've got it! You could buy this. Sarah?


(we find Doug Morris and Leslie Jones, making out and courting on the couch)





Sarah: Well, Ian, if you're anything like these two, you could use a good loveseat. And that's just what you'll get with this living room set designed by Cindy Crawford. The Park Boulevard collection brings effortless style to your home. Each sleek piece is upholstered in beautiful blue linen-like woven fabric and features eye appealing tufted detailing along with an ash brown finished wood base. Boasting cozy cushions and designer inspired accent pillows, this collection beautifully marries fashion and comfort. It comes with a lamp, a loveseat, a collection of tables, and a sofa. From Rooms To Go. And it's normally priced at....


$1,938


But on $ale of the Century, it's yours for only....


$5


(audience cheers as I walk over there)


Greg: (returning to normal) Well, well, if it isn't Doug Morris and Leslie Jones, from Saturday Night Live. (audience cheers)


[extended scene]
(I sit on the loveseat, a la Chuck Woolery)


Now, if you remember last night, we gave Doug some money for him and Leslie to go out on the town. See if they couldn't make a "Love Connection". And so now... we get to hear "all the intimate details of a first date." So, Doug.... tell us all about the date!

[dougmorrisontheair]

Doug: Oh, lovely time. We had each other in stitches. She shared stories of her work on SNL and "Ghostbusters".

Leslie: And he had a lot of great behind-the-scenes stories from his broadcasting career. He even told me I remind him of one of his favorite co-workers.

[palmer7]

Did you get the Second Chance lingerie set like I suggested?


Leslie: Oh, he sure did! And lemme tell you, he was hittin' my Big Bucks space allllllllllll night! (audience goes into an uproar)


Greg: And at the end of the night, Doug must've been Busted. (audience laughs) And now you know why we saved this for on-demand and YouTube. Now, Doug.... ha ha ha, Doug! Doug, you can either date Leslie again, or we have a few alternatives. You can take the lovely, talented, 28-year-old Sarah Natochenny. (Sarah looks surprised at this) If you like cougars, I've got an aunt on my mother's side who has been divorced twice. You could be my step-uncle. Or, you could go on your own with no mo' money from us. So, we've got Leslie, Sarah, my aunt, or none of the above. Audience, what should he do?


(audience shouts suggestions)


Hmmm.... a mixed bag. What'll it be?

[dougmorrisontheair]

Ya know, Leslie's in need of some peace. I'll date Leslie again.

[palmer7]

(and the two embrace, audience cheers)


They're going to date again! Hooray! I think we've created a Love Connection. Eat your heart out, Chuck Woolery!


[Return to broadcast]


Now, this living room set is rather nice. Ian, you could have this for $5. It'd go with your klik-klak and your TV. It's a full living room set designed by Cindy Crawford. Do you like this? I mean, just look at Doug and Leslie on this sofa. You'd think they'd be married 10 years already. Ian! You could have this living room set for just the value of a question! What do you say?

[Deleted]

What the hey? I'll go for it. $5—that's nothing!

[palmer7]

(he buzzes in)

He's going to buy! (audience cheers)



[SALE SURPRISE]
(audience cheers louder)


A Sale Surprise! (Leslie hands me the envelope) Well, let's just see what we've got here... (I open it) And it's cash! (audience cheers, I walk over to Ian's desk) And since we're not allowed to show actual legal tender on television, we've got it in "Grundy Green". Here we go!


(audience starts counting along as I give Ian the money) 1.... 2.... 3.... 4.... 5.... 6.... 7... 8... 9... 10... 11... 12... 13.... 14... 15... 16... 17.. 18... $1,900! (audience cheers, I walk back to my lectern)


That's $3,838 in cash and prizes for just $5.



Sam: $20
Lenny: $20
Ian: $20



And now, we have a three-way tie. Back to the questions.


1. In what US state would you find Fort Ticonderoga?
2. What bloodbath followed Henry of Navarre's 1572 wedding to Marguerite of Valois?
3. On a standard Monopoly board, what are the two least expensive properties?


(buzzcodes and answers, please)

[palmer7]

1. In what US state would you find Fort Ticonderoga?
(buzzcode: 15)
*Ian buzzes in (27)*
Ian?
Ian: New York
That's exactly where it is, and you just made your $5 back.
(ding)


Sam: $20
Lenny: $20
Ian: $25



2. What bloodbath followed Henry of Navarre's 1572 wedding to Marguerite of Valois?
(buzzcode: 32)
*Lenny buzzes in (37)*
Lenny?
Lenny: St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre
That's right, and we now have a tie.
(ding)


Sam: $20
Lenny: $25
Ian: $25


3. On a standard Monopoly board, what are the two least expensive properties?
(buzzcode: 52)
*Ian buzzes in (66)*
Ian?
Ian: Mediterranean and Baltic Avenues
Precisely, and you go to $30.
(ding)


Sam: $20
Lenny: $25
Ian: $30



[FAME GAME]


Fame Game time. Looks like $10 separates all three players. We've got a $10 Money Card going up there, and control is quite important. Maybe Ian will.... eh, never mind. Famous person.


I am an American actor and writer born in Boston, Massachusetts on October 31, 1966. I am a 1984 graduate of Bishop Guertin High School in Nashua, New Hampshire, and a 1988 graduate from the University of New Hampshire where I studied theatre. My start in showbiz was as host of the Nickelodeon game show Get the Picture. There, I had the reputation for having no indoor voice and being a large ham. Hey, it was a kids' show. Sue me. When that show got cancelled, I moved to a more athletic competition where I regularly shouted, "Do! You! HAVE IT!!!?!?!?"


Informed Audience Members: GUTS!


Very good, very good.


On the advice of colleague and friend Marc Summers, I moved to Los Angeles after the cancellation of GUTS to further pursue my acting career. My first regular starring role was as the title character on Life with Roger for The WB. It lasted a year. I also starred as Jimmy on Yes, Dear and simultaneously had a voice acting career on Baby Blues for the first two years of my other show.


(buzzcode and answer, please)

[palmer7]

(buzzcode: 26)
*Lenny buzzes in (18)*
Lenny?
Lenny: Mike O Malley
Right you are! (audience cheers)


Sarah, where's the $10 Money Card?

[tmann3x]

Sarah:  Behind number 3.

[palmer7]

(lights in motion)


Greg: Lenny, you could take the lead if you hit that $10 Money Card. Good luck, and fire when ready. (a letter from A-I, please)