$ale of the Century [NBC]: Episode 47

[palmer7]

Today, we welcome Burton Richardson into the $ale family. And in the spirit of the day, we'll also have Leslie Jones from Saturday Night Live as co-host. John is four games away from winning everything and has a total of $77,056 in cash and prizes. Who wants to challenge him?

[redrangerdude]

Can I do a rematch with John?

[Deleted]

Checking in. And I think you have to wait an episode or two before you can get back in, Lenny.

[redrangerdude]

Oh. Ok. I'll wait then.

[palmer7]

The champ is correct. Of course, that hasn't stopped Matt.

[Deleted]

Sure, I'll give this a go.

[palmer7]

Thanks, Ian. We need one more.

[pathfinder20]

I will try again.

[palmer7]

---

(drumroll)
(shot of John)


Burton Richardson: (VO) So far, John Lopez has won cash and prizes totaling.... $77,056!



[OPENING THEME]





Tonight, one of our contestants could win a musical starship, a trip to Disney World, or a mountain estate in North Carolina!


And continue a journey towards a fortune in cash and prizes including this pair of Corvettes......

  


And hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash!




In total, over $1,000,000 on.........





(echo)






And now, here's the star of our show, GREG PALMER!



(wild cheers and applause as the doors open to me striking Bruce Forsyth's "Thinker" pose, I walk out on stage)


Greg: Thank you. Thank you very much. You're so much better than last night. (audience laughs) Anyway, it's nice to see you, to see you.....


Audience/John/Everyone in the Studio: NICE!


Greg: And you're well-trained, too! Ah, better walk back to the lectern. (I walk back to the lectern) I told somebody I'd be doing an impression of Bruce Forsyth hosting this show, and that was it. Now, most of America is wondering who Bruce Forsyth is. (audience chuckles) Anyway, welcome to $ale of the Century. Did you notice we have a new announcer? He's going to be with us for a very long time. You voted for him, and here he is.... Burton Richardson!





(audience cheers as Burton walks up to the lectern)


Ah, Burton. It's good to have you back.


Burton: Great to be here.


Greg: So, are you prepared to do whatever it takes to give away tens of thousands of dollars?


Burton: And more!


(Burton and I fist bump) Greg: Then stand at the ready, my friend. Burton Richardson! (audience cheers as Burton walks back) And over here, we have our returning champion. He's already seated. He's won three games, has a PCJ of 800-large, the pride of Titusville, Florida, John "Good to His Mother" Lopez! (audience cheers) Hiya, John. Welcome back. So, what's new?

[Deleted]

Not a whole lot, first and foremost, Burton, glad to meet you sir!

[palmer7]

(Burton comes out and shakes John's hand, again to cheers and applause; I just stand there at my lectern and wait) Yes...... if this episode had a title, it would be "Burton, Glad to Meet You Sir!" (audience laughs) You know, a lot of reality competition shows just take one of the quotes from a contestant and make it the title for that episode. Are you done glad handing the champ, Mr. Richardson?


Burton: (off mic) Yes, I am. (he quickly walks back to the lectern and shakes my hand)


Greg: Yes, it's nice to see you again. Please go back to your booth. (he does) I assume you have nothing further to say at this point. You're playing now for a mountain estate in North Carolina, plus enough building material for a 2,500 square foot home. The catch is, you must build it yourself. How excited are you at the prospects of being an amateur architect, sir?

[Deleted]

Well, that I'm not too sure of (laughs).

[palmer7]

(laughs as well) Well, if you build houses like you answer questions..... I think you'll be able to make a 3,500 square foot house out of all that material. That's all I'm saying. Good luck to you. 


Now, a lot of these prizes are all-American, but Stacey is not. So, here to introduce our challengers, from Saturday Night Live and Ghostbusters, Leslie Jones!





(Leslie comes out to cheers and applause)


Leslie: What is up? What is up, Greg? How's it goin'?


Greg: Goin' great. Leslie, I've seen some of your sketches on SNL, and you're great. What's your secret?


Leslie: Just say the first thing that comes to mind, you delectable peppermint patty. (I make a face at the camera)


Greg: What are you talkin' about, lady? You're old enough to be my aunt. I'm not a cougar hunter.


Leslie: I see you hittin' on your co-hosts all the time, now I want a piece of it! (she captures me in an embrace and starts kissing me on the lips, much to the audience's delight, I back away from her) Oh, so you won't hit on me cause I'm black, right? You ain't got no problem with Tori Spelling, but you won't hit on me 'cause I'm black!


Greg: Oh, have I stepped in it. Burton, why don't you introduce the contestants? I think she's in the mood for something.



(as Burton introduces the two contestants, models of opposite gender bring them in and seat them)


Burton: (VO) Will do, Greg. First, he's a digital media arts student who enjoys music. From Columbus, Ohio, here's Ian Sherman. And he's a cashier at Firehouse Subs. From Valdosta, Georgia, please welcome Kourtney Wilson.


(audience cheers as the camera goes back to Leslie and me canoodling)


Greg: OK..... Hiya, Ian. Tell us about yourself, please.

[Deleted]

Glad to be here, Greggo. And yes indeedy, as Burton mentioned, DMA is my forte. My work involves digital audio/video and Web design—mostly work for my parents' friends. Right now, I'm busy proposing a website for a friend of my mom's who works with polymer clay.

[palmer7]

Oh, I've dabbled in some of that myself. Do you use JavaScript or jQuery, or do you consider yourself an HTML/CSS purist?

[Deleted]

I'm more of a HTML/CSS kind of guy.

[palmer7]

Excellent. Good luck to you today. (Leslie does something) Oooh. Kourtney, you work as a cashier at Firehouse Subs. Please tell us all about that.

[pathfinder20]

A cashier I see a lot of people at a time. Sometimes I am able to remember a quite a few orders to the point when the customer comes in I will have the customer's locked and loaded. Actually I have a question for you. Besides the pistol, what else is at the podium with you?

[palmer7]

Well, there's some electronics, the flat screen tablet for the questions, spare copies.... this is a family show, Ms. Jones! (she stops, then walks back to her spot)


Why do you ask?

[pathfinder20]

Just wondering. Always wanted to know.

[palmer7]

I'll let you look behind the lectern later, accompanied by a Contestant Coordinator, of course. (back to Leslie) Now look, Leslie.... I know you're quite an affectionate woman. However, we've got a show to do. So, would you please get off me? (she does) Thank you. Good luck, Kourtney, and good luck to everyone. $20 to start.



(the board initializes)
(Leslie waves and exits, blowing me a kiss as she does)


Kourtney: $20
Ian: $20
John: $20



I thought she'd never leave. It's Tuesday, so that must mean Round 1. Here we go.


1. Which of the Three Tenors set up his own competition for young singers in 1982?
2. Who was killed by John Wilkes Booth?
3. What are the "ten" referred to when a surfer "hangs ten" on a wave?
4. Which planet is named for the God of War?
5. In the video game God of War, which mythological character must Kratos defeat at the end to finish the game?


(buzzcodes and answers, please)

[palmer7]

1. Which of the Three Tenors set up his own competition for young singers in 1982?
(buzzcode: 28)
*John buzzes in (24)*
John?
John: Pavarotti
Pavarotti is correct, and you draw first blood.
(ding)


Kourtney: $20
Ian: $20
John: $25


2. Who was killed by John Wilkes Booth?
(buzzcode: 83)
*Ian buzzes in (72)*
Ian?
Ian: Abe Lincoln
Right, and we have a tie.
(ding)


Kourtney: $20
Ian: $25
John: $25



3. What are the "ten" referred to when a surfer "hangs ten" on a wave?
(buzzcode: 17)
*Ian buzzes in (19)*
Ian?
Ian: his toes
That's right. The surfer positions the surfboard in such a way that the back of it is covered by the wave and the wave rider is free to walk to the front of the board and hang all ten toes over the nose of the board. Who says this show isn't educational? You go to $30.
(ding)


Kourtney: $20
Ian: $30
John: $25



4. Which planet is named for the God of War?
(buzzcode: 44)
*John buzzes in (44, BULLSEYE!)*
John?
John: Mars
Mars is right, we have a tie again.
(ding)


Kourtney: $20
Ian: $30
John: $30


5. In the video game God of War, which mythological character must Kratos defeat at the end to finish the game?
(buzzcode: 26)
*John buzzes in (28)*
John?
John: Ares
That's right. He's the God of War, and to win the game God of War, quite logically, you must beat the, God of, War. $35.
(ding)


Kourtney: $20
Ian: $30
John: $35




[INSTANT BARGAIN]


Instant Bargain, player in the lead can buy bargain merchandise. John, you have a $5 lead, and Leslie, this involves you, too.





(Doug Morris, all dressed up and awaiting a hot date, holds out a bouquet of flowers as he sits on this prize)



Burton: (VO) John, you can take any person you wish out for a ride in this dragon pedal boat. Rising like a serpent 6' above the water’s surface, its statuesque form ensures attention from other boaters while its quiet, human-powered operation ensures a pleasurable time on the water. Ideal for leisurely cruises on ponds or lakes, it seats two riders and operates using a direct-drive, stainless steel twin pedal system that turns an efficient stainless steel/aluminum paddle wheel mounted under its belly. Furnished by Hammacher Schlemmer! And it's normally priced at...


$5,000


Burton: But tonight on $ale of the Century, it's yours for only....


$6


(audience cheers as I join Doug and the boat)


Greg: And Leslie..... we know how much you enjoy Colin Jost on Weekend Update, but we want to make a West Coast Love Connection. He's a widower originally from Hattiesburg, Mississippi, his interests include comic book conventions and rock, and he's hosting a very successful show on this very network. Please say hello to Doug Morris!


(Leslie screams in delight as she hops into the boat, and the audience is delighted)


I think she likes you, Doug. Ohhhh, does she like you. Now, Leslie, if you promise to behave yourself, we'll give you $300 and Doug will take you out for a fabulous night on the town. And then, you'll come back tomorrow night and tell us how it went. Sound good?


Leslie: Awww hell yeah! That sounds great!


Greg: All right, then. Doug, what do you two plan on doing tonight, just to give the audience an idea?

[dougmorrisontheair]

Oh, a fabulous dinner in Beverly Hills, seeing "Ghostbusters" and a t-shirt that reads "I ❤️ MG-HSH".

[palmer7]

Verrrrrrrrrry nice, Doug. (I roll my eyes and give him another hundred) Take another hundred, she might want the "Second Chance" lingerie set to match.


Leslie: d*** RIGHT!


Greg: Easy there. Now, as long as you're here, Mr. Morris, perhaps you could help me with this Instant Bargain. John, I imagine you have a body of water near you where this prize might be useful? Hmmmm?

[Deleted]

There is, but I'm not much for going on the river or on water for that matter, not to mention the scores are too tight for me to make a deal, sorry Greg, no sale.

[dougmorrisontheair]

(grabs Leslie's hand)

Let's just see if it comfortably seats too, Leslie.

(scattered laughter from the crowd as the couple makes their way to the dragon boat; Doug and Leslie take their seats)

Oh -- yeah -- nice and comfy.

[palmer7]

No sale. (Shannon takes a picture of Doug and Leslie on the boat with a digital camera)


Shannon: Thank you. Now, this picture will be posted on all your social media pages.


Greg: (in surprise) She talks, ladies and gentlemen! (audience cheers as I look to Shannon in confusion) Did you think of that line by yourself?

Shannon: Yes. We were planning on doing that, right?


Greg: Of course. Doug, Leslie, after the show, you two can set off. But right now, I need Leslie. OK? Doug Morris, everyone! (audience cheers as Doug exits, and I walk to my lectern)


John not wanting to cut down his lead. Back to the questions.



1. Who explored the Hudson River in 1609?
2. A Martini cocktail consists of what two alcoholic ingredients?
3. Who has been called the first victim of the "Madden curse" due to his abrupt 1999 retirement?



(buzzcodes and answers, please)

[palmer7]

1. Who explored the Hudson River in 1609?
(buzzcode: 60)
*Kourtney buzzes in (43)*
Kourtney?
Kourtney: Gin and vodka
(wrong)
(audience laughs)
(wistfully) Ahhhhh yes, the great duo of Gin and Vodka. I remember them well. (audience laughs) No, it was Henry Hudson. Although, they probably helped. (audience laughs) Sorry, Kourtney. You go down to $15.



Kourtney: $15
Ian: $30
John: $35



2. A Martini cocktail consists of what two alcoholic ingredients?
(buzzcode: 28)
*John buzzes in (19)*
John?
John: Gin and vermouth
Ah, so Gin left Vodka and went with Vermouth. Mind, *blown*. (audience chuckles) You're right.
(ding)


Kourtney: $15
Ian: $30
John: $40


3. Who has been called the first victim of the "Madden curse" due to his abrupt 1999 retirement?
(buzzcode: 64)
*John buzzes in (45)*
John?
John: Barry Sanders
That's the answer I have on my card, although on the first play of the divisional game versus the Atlanta Falcons, Garrison Hearst suffered a bad ankle break and his team would go on to lose the game.
(ding)


Kourtney: $15
Ian: $30
John: $45





[FAME GAME]


Fame Game, and $30 separates all three players. Ian could use it, so could Kourtney, but John would really love it. Looking for a famous thing.


I am a television series that premiered September 24, 1989 and was cancelled May 6, 1990. I am a spinoff of another show on the same network. My title character, who once worked for a large metropolitan police department, is now hired by the US office of a large Japanese company to investigate some suspicious insurance claims. This character is portrayed as despising authority, and he is often openly disdainful of the orders he receives. He also occasionally undertakes non-work-related tasks in order to help friends and family. In 2008, Time Magazine included me in a list of the "Top 10 Worst TV Spin-Offs". One of my episodes has been removed as it is part of a crossover with 21 Jump Street. It's included in the Jump Street DVD set, though.


(buzzcode and answer, please)

[palmer7]

(buzzcode: 64)
*Ian buzzes in (76)*
Ian?
Ian: Booker
That's right! (audience cheers) Starring Richard Grieco. Can't even put all the episodes on DVD. I mean, what is up with that?


Leslie, where's that $10?

[tmann3x]

Leslie:  Behind number 7.