|
|
Post by dougmorrisontheair on Apr 23, 2016 16:45:31 GMT -5
(Doug grabs A; walks to panel) Going with A and stop me if you've heard this one before... ...everyone on the panel gets to play this question.
Dumb Donald the dealer is *SO* dumb...
Audience: HOW DUMB IS HE!?!!??!
...at the casino, he tried to cut a deck of cards with BLANK. (audience laughs) (think music plays)
|
|
|
|
Post by tmann3x on Apr 24, 2016 16:43:40 GMT -5
I wonder who's more popular... Dumb Donald or Dumb Dora?
|
|
|
|
Post by palmer7 on Apr 24, 2016 17:07:08 GMT -5
They're married, aren't they?
|
|
|
|
Post by billmcdee on Apr 24, 2016 17:27:39 GMT -5
If they are, they wouldn't be the first dumb people to do so. I was over at Barnes & Noble the other day and they were selling their autobiography... (holding it up)  |
|
|
|
Post by palmer7 on Apr 24, 2016 17:45:02 GMT -5
And you bought a signed copy, didn't you, Bill?
|
|
|
|
Post by billmcdee on Apr 24, 2016 18:11:05 GMT -5
Actually when I asked them to sign it, they used the eraser end of the pencil to do so.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2016 18:12:20 GMT -5
*sulking wishing it was my turn* *says man! I got this! Under my breath"
|
|
|
|
Post by dougmorrisontheair on Apr 24, 2016 21:08:10 GMT -5
"Dummies' Guide to Dummies", eh? Clever. Who's got this? Oh, that's right -- Matt. (scattered laughter from the crowd) Matt, they're all set, I'm set -- I think -- let's see if you're ready for this.
Dumb Donald the dealer is *SO* dumb, at the casino, he tried to cut a deck of cards with BLANK. |
|
|
|
Post by mringgenberg on Apr 24, 2016 21:21:52 GMT -5
Scissors
|
|
|
|
Post by dougmorrisontheair on Apr 25, 2016 7:38:16 GMT -5
(audience cheers)Doug: Now that's a great answer. Scissors. Any instrument that cuts works here. Bill, we're looking for some scissors. Bill: You see, he was so totally dumb, he tried to cut the cards with... (Bill reveals card) [ A PLASTIC BUTTER KNIFE ]
(buzz) (audience laughs)Bill: See, he was even too dumb to think of using scissors, something that would actually cut through those cards! Doug: That is dumb for sure. Greg, over to you. Greg: I saw this in a Marx Brothers movie, Doug. Do you remember "Horse Feathers"? Doug: At the risk of showing my age, yes. Greg: Well, he did what Harpo did and cut the cards with ... (card) [AN AXE]
(buzz) (audience laughs)Doug: An axe. Another good one. Kevin? Kevin: One must wonder just how Dumb Donald got this job because he tried to cut the cards with (card) [SCISSORS] (ding; audience applause)Doug: Hey now! Our first match. Matt's looking for another as we revisit Tony. Dumb Donald the dealer is *SO* dumb, at the casino, he tried to cut a deck of cards with BLANK.Doug: It's worth pointing out Tony hosts "Card Sharks" on another network. It's a show that has decks of cards that are, to use Donald Trump's words, "youge". (scattered laughter from the crowd) So, this is in your wheelhouse, Tony. What stay ye? Tony: Speaking of "youge"... Trump is extremely drunk. So drunk, in fact, he had to -- (card) [KNIFE] -- cut the deck of cards with a "youge" knife. (buzz) (audience laughs)Greg: By the way, I endorse John Kasich. Doug: Now with politics out of the way -- at least for now -- Hunter? Hunter: It's so obvious. (card) [SCISSORS] (ding; audience applause)Doug: More scissors and more money for Matt. Michael, more scissors? Michael: Dumb Donald was really dumb, he tried to cut the deck of cards with a (card) [KNIFE] (buzz) (scattered laughter and applause) Doug: No scissors but two matches and $200 for Matt. Doug: So James, it boils down to this. Match two stars and we play a tie-breaker. Match more than two and you win the game. Anything less and Matt's headed to the squares.
|
|
|
|
Post by dougmorrisontheair on Apr 25, 2016 7:57:26 GMT -5
(Doug grabs B; walks to panel) And one more time, pending a tie-breaker, everyone plays this one. Patrick said, "My girlfriend really knows how to stop traffic. The other day, she was only wearing a large t-shirt with an image of BLANK on it." (audience laughs) (think music plays) |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2016 11:55:42 GMT -5
Trump?
|
|
|
|
Post by koopakid17 on Apr 25, 2016 12:14:11 GMT -5
Uh-oh!
|
|
|
|
Post by palmer7 on Apr 25, 2016 12:51:09 GMT -5
Everybody put your pens down! Do not write anything.
|
|
|
|
Post by dougmorrisontheair on Apr 25, 2016 12:54:22 GMT -5
Dude, wait for the stars to finish before blurting out an answer.
(scattered laughter from the crowd)
|
|
|
|
Post by palmer7 on Apr 25, 2016 13:15:08 GMT -5
(I get up and address James, absolutely livid) Now James..... what you did is a cardinal sin here on the 'ol Match Game. (getting progressively angry and violent) You see, *we* write down the answers, and then *you* try to match us. However, by you giving us an answer, we could possibly write it down, and then MGM and Mark Goodson would have to pay you out fifteen hundred smackers you didn't deserve! And then, the FCC would have to investigate this show, possibly shut it down, and we'd all be out of jobs! So not only have you potentially screwed us over, but you've screwed out the tens of contestants that apply for the show every week! And further more, you wouldn't have gotten a full sweep because my answer didn't match! GET ME A (censored) CUECARD! (I let out a primal scream, grab a cue card and attempt to smash a cameraman's head in with it) And when I get angry, I TAKE IT OUT ON CAMERAMEN! (the rest of the panel has to get out and calm me down) I REGRET NOTHING! I'M THE (censored) CENTER SQUARE! (the cameraman's head ends up going through a cue card) And what happened to those pictures I was supposed to see this week? Ponderous, man. (censored) ponderous. (I grab another cuecard and beat up another cameraman) |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2016 13:29:46 GMT -5
*sigh* I apologize. I made a mistake.
|
|
|
|
Post by billmcdee on Apr 25, 2016 13:40:49 GMT -5
Her shirt was so powerful, not only did it stop traffic, it brought this show to a halt!
LOL
Doug, do you have another emergency question at the ready?
|
|
|
|
Post by koopakid17 on Apr 25, 2016 16:43:10 GMT -5
You know the first card we used is behind emergency glass but you'd have to break something else to get to the next emergency card. I don't want to know what that is.
|
|
|
|
Post by GameShowNetwork on Apr 25, 2016 17:43:18 GMT -5
Guys, lay off of James. He's certainly not the first person here to make a mistake. Anyway, I sent Doug a PM containing an emergency question
|
|
|
|
Post by palmer7 on Apr 25, 2016 18:35:18 GMT -5
(Doug gave me the go-ahead to let him have it, as long as it was funny.)
|
|
|
|
Post by dougmorrisontheair on Apr 25, 2016 19:58:02 GMT -5
[NOTE FROM DOUG: To prevent a repeat of this -- because we *do* need to go to Squares, eventually -- only the stars will be PMed the question. After all six respond, I'll post the question and let James respond.]
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2016 0:33:36 GMT -5
[NOTE FROM DOUG: To prevent a repeat of this -- because we *do* need to go to Squares, eventually -- only the stars will be PMed the question. After all six respond, I'll post the question and let James respond.] Great idea! |
|
|
|
Post by dougmorrisontheair on Apr 26, 2016 19:50:05 GMT -5
(obvious edit) Thank goodness I always carry a spare question in my coat pocket. So -- let's try this again. Everyone plays. Here's the question. Fred Flintstone's car tires were worn out, so he had them replaced. But instead of new tires, the mechanic put BLANK on the car. (audience laughs) (think music plays) (stars write) (obvious edit) Okay, *now* they're ready. *Now* we're ready for your answer, James. Fred Flintstone's car tires were worn out, so he had them replaced. But instead of new tires, the mechanic put BLANK on the car. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2016 20:10:18 GMT -5
Steel cans?
|
|
|
|
Post by palmer7 on Apr 26, 2016 20:16:40 GMT -5
(I walk out of my spot, take out a $100 bill from my wallet, and give it to James) It was nice knowing you.
|
|
|
|
Post by tmann3x on Apr 26, 2016 20:42:02 GMT -5
*facepalm*
|
|
|
|
Post by Billy Gardell on Apr 26, 2016 20:50:16 GMT -5
(From backstage) Really?
|
|
|
|
Post by dougmorrisontheair on Apr 26, 2016 21:33:17 GMT -5
(audience boos and hisses)Doug: What we're trying to tell you, James -- and we're saying this as nicely as we can -- when it comes to advancing to Squares, "steel cans" don't stand a snowball's chance in Ecuador. (audience laughs and applauds)Doug: Let's go through the motions. We need two steel cans, at least, for James to stay in business. Bill? Bill: He replaced the broken tires with (card) [SPARE BARE FEET] (buzz) (audience cheers)Doug: *There's* the answer. Greg? Greg: Well, since the car is powered "through the courtesy of Fred's two feet", he put -- (card) [SHOES] -- shoes on the car. (buzz) (scattered cheers) Doug: Another goodie. Get the idea now? Kevin, please tell us what you thought of. Kevin: With the courtesy of Fred's new (card) [FEET] (buzz) (scattered cheers) Doug: More feet. Coming down to Tony. Fred Flintstone's car tires were worn out, so he had them replaced. But instead of new tires, the mechanic put BLANK on the car. Tony: Like every cavemen and women -- we use our (card) [FEET] (buzz)Doug: Two celebs left, James. Need both of them to say "steel cans" or else Matt's got this in the bag. Hunter? Hunter: (shakes head) (card) [FEET] (buzz)Doug: Not a match. Matt's going to Hollywood Squares. (dings; audience applause; win music plays; MG-HSH theme plays)(players shake hands) Doug: Michael, show us your answer, please. Michael: (card) [FEET] Doug: He had feet as well. Matt, please join me over here. James, thanks for being a great sport about all this. Some fine gifts await you backstage. Thanks for playing. (more cheers; MG players' desks and toaster move stage left; obvious edit; rest of set moves in) Doug: Matt, after that adventure, Tony and I will trade places, he'll welcome three more stars and we'll play Hollywood Square. Stay with us, folks, the fun's just begun -- REALLY!
|
|
|
|
Post by tmann3x on Apr 26, 2016 23:06:12 GMT -5
(Main Theme - Fee Plug)Shadoe Stevens: A member of our studio audience will receive Jules Jurgensen's Gem Classic Series diamond dial watch. Elegantly styled with 20 genuine diamonds. The Classic Series -- furnished by Jules Jurgensen.
And some of our departing contestants will receive--
LouverDrape Vertical Blinds. Choose from over 100 new fabric colors and patterns. A modern window covering that rotates and traverses to control light and heat. From LouverDrape.
Suregrip, Chinon's best-grip binoculars. Designed to be shock-resistant, covered with a rubberized surface for a sure grip and a slick look. Suregrip binoculars, furnished by Chinon.
Miss Lee's smaller size Lee Press-On Nails in teen and pre-teen fun colors. Miss Lee Press-On Nails.
And Washington Forge Mardi Gras flatware service for 12. Light and bright, adds colorful cheer to any table setting. Contemporary colors, dishwasher safe, from Washington Forge.
And now, it's time for more of the--
With...
From Gold--
From Wheel of Fortune--
From Tic Tac Dough--
And taking over, the master of The Hollywood Squares... Tony Lane!
Tony: Thank you, Shadoe. It's great to be back. And we'll be back to play The Hollywood Squares after these messages. Don't go away... (cheers, applause continues)*fade to commercial*
|
|
